Thralldom
by Andrometamorphose
Summary: The problem wasn't whether his decisions weren't always right, but rather whether they were always his.


**Thralldom**

A/N: I think this is where I swear that I will never write in the middle of the night _ever again_, even if I claim to be inspired.

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Everything seems to bubble up as I realize that he is _here._

He is _here_, in the present, instead of lurking in some distant memory, hazy and strangely comforting, permeating an ominous but familiar sense of revenge and duty. This isn't even how I thought it would be –it isn't rainy (Naruto, I suddenly remember; it rained during our fight) and it's not sunny (a feeling of dread swells in me as I remember the other time when I fought with Naruto and how Sakura got in the middle, how I was so young and naïve to think that love and courage were all it took to win in life).

As if some cruel twist of fate, the weather is neutral, just like his face (and then I remember all those humid, sweat-soaked nights as I would wake up in an empty compound, still whispering with long-ago laughter and bustling noise, and have his face, calm and so damn neutral, under my eyelids, sword raised above those two broken bodies).

It has been so long, so painfully long (so has it all really come down to this? to us?) that it is disappointing, really. But I remind myself that this is the culmination of all those years –all those years of being alone, of pushing Sakura away when I could have said yes, of ignoring Naruto and his hopeless dreams, of not listening to Kakashi's bittersweet advice.

And then I remind myself again that I probably would have acted like that anyway –that sure, I would have been more reachable, but did it really matter?

In the end, we're all going to die and be forgotten.

But this moment –this is the reason for my existence. God, so much has been put into this that I might as well just have dug my own grave. I know what I have been doing and I knew it's wrong –I could tell you a million flaws in my plans, my decisions, my fucking life; I could rattle them all off and you would think that I don't care, that nothing fucking matters to me, that I don't take the time to realize that I'm wasting my life on a wild goose chase and that it won't help me even when he's dead and buried in the ground with all my fears and all his blood.

But don't you think I know that? Don't you think that I spend all those quiet nights thinking about that and acknowledging the utter _hopelessness_ of this situation? I know that, after this, I will be nothing –my purpose will be lost and, after a couple of years, it will all be forgotten, erased, just a tiny speck of sand in the wide beach that is infinity. And I care –fuck, I care and I understand what's happening to me –don't you think that I hate myself a little bit more each time I look in the mirror?

Because I know what's happening to me and I'm not denying it. I just disregard all the warning signs and wait for the time to come until I become just like Itachi.

See?

I've even said his name.

But that's what Naruto would say –that I'm becoming my brother –and at this point, I'm starting to agree with him. Yet, there's a difference between us. Itachi killed my clan for no reason; he slaughtered my parents to just measure his power.

That was no reason.

That was just an excuse.

I'm going to kill him because he killed my family.

Am I wrong to believe that there is a difference?

Because here I am, facing the person I am about to become, and I can't help but to wonder if all this was worth it. I didn't _have_ to push anyone away; I didn't have to leave; I didn't have to spare Naruto; I didn't have to not avoid the new Team Seven; I didn't have to kill Orochimaru.

Fuck, I don't _have_ to be here.

The thought reverberates in my mind, striking possibly every and any part of my past.

xx

_"Sasuke?" Sakura looks down, playing with her long hair._

"_Hmm?" I'm too lost in my thoughts to really pay attention to her._

_"Do you want to…get some ramen with me?" She glances at me in that hopeful-sad-adoring way and I can't help but to feel tempted_.

_But suddenly I'm shaking my head and I want to stop, but I can't take it back, and she's gone._

_I stand there for a moment, trying to stamp out the twinge of regret that has sprung in my chest._

_I continue walking on to an empty house._

_An empty family._

_I must train._

xx

I haven't realized that I've closed my eyes. It's only been a fraction of a second but we both know it. He stands there, watching me, as I had always watched him from afar.

xx

_"Itachi! Can you help me with shuriken practice today?" I clamber up to him, praying for that single 'yes'._

_He shoots me down with a 'maybe next time' and ruffles my hair._

_I find it in myself to smile after him adoringly._

xx

Our Sharingans are both activated and I try to move, try to say something but dammit, I feel like I'm going to break once my mouth opens because I'm going to stop thinking and try to slaughter him and as I scream and cry and yell at him for everything he's done, everything he hasn't done.

But I don't.

I don't want anything to happen right now, and I try to drown myself in another memory.

Just for the sake of innocence.

I think he understands.

xx

"Hey teme, wanna go get some food?" 

"_It's gonna be ramen again, isn't it, dobe?"_

"_Yeah, so come on! You gotta be social once in a while. It's called being happy, you know?"_

"_Dobe…shut up."_

"_Hey, who are you calling dobe?"_

"_You, of course. Only a dobe would ask that question."_

"_What?!"_

xx

He steps closer towards me and inside, I flinch. This is supposed to be the moment where I charge at hi with everything I've got, with every insult on my tongue, but a lingering question nags me, and I am unable to move.

Is the Sasuke that turns down Sakura, befriends Naruto, and tries to get stronger –is he here, am I here like this because of Itachi? Was this what Itachi had planned all along –that I would grow up like this, that I would _be_ this person, this 'Sasuke'? My whole life –has it not been mine? Has every decision I have made not been mine but has been Itachi's through me?

-

Have I been living?

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His Sharingan glows brightly and I don't know if mine is the same, burning with an unknown intensity. Is my face like his –bright eyes and expressionless countenance?

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And then it all comes back to me –Sakura's shy smile, Naruto's overbearing speeches about being brothers, and Kakashi's mournful look –and it does something to me –it clears up my thoughts and I think I can move now.

Because I realize that, at this moment, my choice of action –should I fight? should I kill? I'm too, too young for this –is entirely up to me, and I feel like this is a coming-of-age thing where all the secrets will be revealed and here is my ooportunity, my window of time to save or doom myself, my life. God, my whole life is in this moment.

I take a deep breath and decide.

Because I know that every decision that I have made (_I_ have made, I repeat to myself for extra emphasis) has made me who I am.

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And I think I've known that all along.

Every decision is mine, and mine alone.

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I act.

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